Check this, check that and check this again!

I don’t have OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder), which would be extremely debilitating and difficult to manage. I can however have a tendency to become obsessive, fixated on particular interests or information.

I read a blog yesterday about a state called hyper-vigilance, which certainly resonated with me. For example, I tweet and blog. I routinely check my hot mail, my connections on Twitter and blogger statistics, It s incredibly interesting to see what methods produce increase in page views and where sources of traffic emanate from. I then incorporate or discard methods according to this information, good tool. It makes sense to use information, but I will double check, go back to hotmail make sure I haven’t missed anything and then quickly check the blogger stats again  in case there has been a “rush on”. This has every danger of getting out of control for me so I have  to set limits and try to observe them, or I will still be in my PJs at 4pm checking and re checking, I can do this. Therefore I think I have the situation under control.

The Hyper vigilance thing though made me think as it was introduced in the blog in terms of its connection with ME/CFS. I have a mild form of CFS and generally manage with it OK, after a debilitating period some years ago.

Before I was ill my husband used to say I was constantly scanning, if we sat in a pub I would have to face the door and watch people coming in and see who was with whom. It’s generally called nosy! I know. I didn’t think I was particularly observant I just thought Hubby was in a world of his own,, he never seemed to notice anything. I used to juggle loads of responsibilities and enjoy having the ability to multi task and decry others for being such plodders. When I was relaxing, I routinely monitored the TV read a book and went over lists in my head. Is it any wonder really I had a crash?

I know this is controversial, the fact that I have pretty much recovered, sometimes attracts responses that I never had CFS in the first place. It’s such a fragile acknowledgement of the condition that those who suffer severely and very long term feel under attack, I think, when there’s any action which might undermine their situation and diagnosis.

This is the last thing I want to do and when I was ill it was very real and I still moderate my whole life to be as well as I can. I wont get into the argument whether I did or do actually have CFS or not. Other than to say I went through the process came out with a diagnosis from a consultant and coped the best I could. I was lucky.

My controversial point is this, is there a type of personality that falls prey to ME/CFS? Is there any credence to the implications of being hyper-vigilant. Now I am more vulnerable, shall we say, I cannot have conflicting noises, (ie TV and talking) I do not like the buzz from being in a crowd and heightened emotions agitate me immediately. Unless I have a reasonably ordered and quiet life everything gets too much for me. The affects are very physical the headaches, the body pain, the fatigue, sore throat, etc engulf me. Sometimes my husband is holding my hand watching TV and says relax, you’re all tense. I check and my legs and arms are as stiff as a board. No wonder I ache.

Relaxing my mind  has really helped me and I know there is more to ME/CFS than an emotional condition its very physical. I hope I haven’t upset anyone it’s the last thing I want to do but do you think how we are and how we respond to the things that happen to us and attack us can put us in a better or worse position in relation to our health?

Alison x.